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After a trauma, it’s normal to experience flashbacks, anxiety, and other uncomfortable symptoms. Grounding techniques help control these symptoms by turning attention away from thoughts, memories or worries, and refocusing on the present moment.

5-4-3-2-1 technique

Using the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, you will purposefully take in the details of your surroundings using each of your senses. Strive to notice small details that your mind would usually tune out, such as distant sounds, or the texture of an ordinary object.

• What are 5 things you can see? Look for small details such as a pattern on the ceiling, the way light reflects off a surface or an object you never noticed.
• What are 4 things you can feel? Notice the sensation of clothing on your body, the sun on your skin, or the feeling of the chair you are sitting in. Pick up an object and examine its weight, texture and other physical qualities.
• What are 3 things you can hear? Pay special attention to the sounds your mind has tuned out, such as a ticking clock, distant traffic or trees blowing in the win.
• What are 2 things you can smell? Try to notice smells in the air around you, like an air freshener or freshly mowed grass. You may also look around for something that has a scent, such as a flower or an unlit candle.
• What is 1 thing you can taste? Carry gum, candy or small snacks for this step. Pop one in your mouth and focus your attention closely on the flavors.

Categories

Choose at least three of the categories below and name as many items as you can in each one. Spend a few minutes on each category to come up with as many items as possible. (For a variation on this activity, try naming items in a category alphabetically. For example, for the fruits & vegetables category, say “apple, banana, carrot,” and so on.)

• Movies
• Countries
• Books
• Cereals
• Sports teams
• Colors
• Cars
• Fruits and vegetables
• Animals
• Cities
• TV shows
• Famous people

Body awareness

The body awareness technique will bring you into the here-and-now by directing your focus to sensations in the body. Pay special attention to the physical sensations created by each step.

1. Take 5 long, deep breaths through your nose, and exhale through puckered lips.
2. Place both feet flat on the floor. Wiggle your toes. Curl and uncurl your toes several times. Spend a moment noticing the sensations in your feet.
3. Stomp your feet on the ground several times. Pay attention to the sensations in your feet and legs as you make contact with the ground.
4. Clench your hands into fists, then release the tension. Repeat this 10 times.
5. Press your palms together. Press them harder and hold this pose for 15 seconds. Pay attention to the feeling of tension in your hands and arms.
6. Rub your palms together briskly. Notice and sound and the feeling of warmth.
7. Reach your hands over your head like you’re trying to reach the sky. Stretch like this for 5 seconds. Bring your arms down and let them relax at your sides.
8. Take 5 more deep breaths and notice the feeling of calm in your body.

Mental exercises

Use mental exercises to take your mind off uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. They are discreet and easy to use at nearly any time or place. Experiment to see which work best for you.

• Name all the objects you see.
• Describe the steps in performing an activity you know how to do well. For example, how to shoot a basketball, prepare your favorite meal or tie a knot.
• Count backwards from 100 by 7.
• Pick up an object and describe it in detail. Describe its color, texture, size, weight, scent and any other qualities you notice.
• Spell your full name, and the names of three other people, backwards.
• Name all your family members, their ages and one of their favorite activities.
• Read something backwards, letter-by-letter. Practice for at least a few minutes.
• Think of an object and “draw” it in your mind or in the air with your finger. Try drawing your home, a vehicle, or an animal.

(Note: These exercises were provided by TherapistAid.com)

Feelings check-in and coping tools are useful in regulating your child's emotions.

Right now, I feel...

Review the list of feeling cards and write down the ones that best express how you feel right now:

• Bored
• Disappointed
• Stressed out
• Surprised
• Silly
• Scared
• Grumpy
• Sad
• Angry
• Shy
• Lonely
• Anxious
• Worried
• Distracted
• Tired
• Embarrassed
• Hurt
• Annoyed
• Confused
• Overwhelmed

Now, think about the issue at hand. Is the problem you're facing big, medium or small? Taking the time to reflect on your feelings and how they impact your perception is important in addressing challenges.

To feel better, I will...

Review the list of coping tools and determine which course(s) of action you would like to pursue in addressing the issue at hand:

• Draw or color
• Stretch or do yoga
• List three positive things you are grateful for
• Get a drink of water
• Give yourself or a stuffed animal a hug
• Use positive self-talk (e.g., I am lovable, I am strong enough to handle hard things, I am safe, I am brave, mistakes help me to learn and grow, I am in charge of my thoughts and actions)
• Quietly exercise
• Read a book or look at feel-good pictures
• Do five-finger breathing (slowly trace your hand with your finger, breathing in as you trace your fingers going up. Breathe out as you trace your fingers going down)
• Think of a happy memory or peaceful place
• Squeeze then relax your muscles
• Journal or write a letter
• Ask for help
• Push against the wall and then relax
• Build something or do a puzzle
• Do wave breathing (place your hands over your ears and breathe slowly and deeply, listening to the ocean wave sound that your breath makes)
• Help someone or ask to do a chore
• Take slow, deep breaths and just sit with your feelings

Warning signs

Whenever you start to get angry, your body sends you warning signs. It is important to pay attention to these signs so that you know when to start using a coping skill. Review the list of body warning signs and write down the ones that happen for you:

• I start to feel dizzy
• Sweating
• My chest feels tight
• I feel like crying
• My whole body feels hot
• I get a headache
• My body starts to shake
• It's hard to breathe
• I clench my fists
• My muscles hurt
• My heart beats faster
• I huff and puff

(Note: These exercises were adapted from a content provided by Wholehearted School Counseling.)

There are lots of ways that you can relax. Try some of these exercises and see how they make you feel.

Calm breathing

If you make your breathing slower, deeper and more steady, then your body will relax.

1. Breathe in slowly through your nose.
2. Pause for a moment.
3. Then, breathe out slowly through your mouth.
4. Carry on breathing calmly for two minutes.

Relaxing your muscles

You can relax by letting the tension out of your muscles. A great way to do this is to tense and then relax all of the muscles in your body. 

Sit in a char or lie on the floor before completing the following exercises:

• Clench your fists... then release.
• Tighten the muscles in your arms... then relax.
• Push your shoulders back and up... then release.
• Tighten the muscles in your tummy... then relax.
• Tense the muscles in your legs... then release.
• Curl up your toes and clench your feet... then release.
• Scrunch up the muscles in your face... then relax.

Use the power of your imagination

Imagine doing something or being somewhere that makes you happy.

1. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, then imagine finding yourself in a place or doing something that makes you really happy.
2. Picture all of the details -- the sights, sounds, smells and tastes.
3. Notice all of the sensations. Notice how your body feels when you are in this place.

(Note: These exercises were provided by Psychology Tools.)

Emotions motivate us to take action. Different emotions lead us towards different kinds of action. Sometimes, the actions that our emotions guide us towards can help us to survive. For example: See rotten food > feel disgust > don't eat the food > don't get sick > survive!

Our emotions are not always a perfect guide to action, though. We can choose to listen to what our emotions are telling us, but we don't always have to react in the ways they 'want' us to.

• Joy or happiness can motivate us to join in, take part or share
• Fear can motivate us to get away
• Sadness can motivate us to withdraw, brood, ruminate or seek comfort
• Anger can motivate us to attack, lash out or stand up for ourselves
• Guilt can motivate us to repair what we have done
• Shame can motivate us to hide away, to keep things secret or to punish ourselves
• Disgust can motivate us to withdraw, keep a distance or get clean
• Compassion, empathy or sympathy can motivate us to offer comfort
• Embarrassment or humiliation can motivate us to hide
• Confusion can motivate us to check things out (or paralyze us with indecision)
• Powerlessness can motivate us to give up
• Indifference can motivate us to ignore
• Affection can motivate us to give love

Think about what kind of action each of the following emotions might prompt you to take:

1. Joy or happiness can motivate us to ____________________.
2. Fear can motivate us to ____________________.
3. Sadness can motivate us to ____________________.
4. Anger can motivate us to ____________________.
5. Guilt can motivate us to ____________________.
6. Shame can motivate us to ____________________.
7. Disgust can motivate us to ____________________.
8. Compassion, empathy or sympathy can motivate us to ____________________.
9. Embarrassment or humiliation can motivate us to ____________________.
10. Confusion can motivate us to ____________________.
11. Powerlessness can motivate us to ____________________.
12. Indifference can motivate us to ____________________.
13. Affection can motivate us to ____________________.

(Note: This exercise was adapted from Psychology Tools.)

Review the list of fair fighting rules:

1. Before you begin, ask yourself why you feel upset.

   • Are you truly angry because your partner left the mustard on the counter? Or are you upset because you feel like you’re doing an uneven share of the housework, and this is just one more piece of evidence? Take time to think about your own feelings before starting an argument.

2. Discuss one issue at a time.

   • “You shouldn’t be spending so much money without talking to me” can quickly turn into “You don’t care about our family”. Now you need to resolve two problems instead of one. Plus, when an argument starts to get off topic, it can easily become about everything a person has ever done wrong. We’ve all done a lot wrong, so this can be especially cumbersome.

3. No degrading language.

   • Discuss the issue, not the person. No put-downs, swearing, or name-calling. Degrading language is an attempt to express negative feelings while making sure your partner feels just as bad. This will just lead to more character attacks while the original issue is forgotten.

4. Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them.

   • “I feel angry.” “I feel hurt when you ignore my phone calls.” “I feel scared when you yell.” These are good ways to express how you feel. Starting with “I” is a good technique to help you take responsibility for your feelings (no, you can’t say whatever you want as long as it starts with “I”).

5. Take turns talking.

   • This can be tough, but be careful not to interrupt. If this rule is difficult to follow, try setting a timer allowing 1 minute for each person to speak without interruption. Don’t spend your partner’s minute thinking about what you want to say. Listen!

6. No stonewalling.

   • Sometimes, the easiest way to respond to an argument is to retreat into your shell and refuse to speak. This refusal to communicate is called stonewalling. You might feel better temporarily, but the original issue will remain unresolved and your partner will feel more upset. If you absolutely cannot go on, tell your partner you need to take a time-out. Agree to resume the discussion later.

7. No yelling.

   • Sometimes arguments are “won” by being the loudest, but the problem only gets worse.

8. Take a time-out if things get too heated.

   • In a perfect world we would all follow these rules 100% of the time, but it just doesn’t work like that. If an argument starts to become personal or heated, take a time-out. Agree on a time to come back and discuss the problem after everyone has cooled down.

9. Attempt to come to a compromise or an understanding.

   • There isn’t always a perfect answer to an argument. Life is just too messy for that. Do your best to come to a compromise (this will mean some give and take from both sides). If you can’t come to a compromise, merely understanding can help soothe negative feelings.

(Note: This set of rules was provided by TherapistAid.com)

Assertive communication is a communication style in which a person stands up for their own needs and wants, while also taking into consideration the needs and wants of others, without behaving passively or aggressively.

Traits of assertive communicators

• Clearly state needs and wants
• Eye contact
• Listens to others without interruption
• Appropriate speaking volume
• Steady tone of voice
• Confident body language

Assertiveness tips

• Respect yourself. Your needs, wants and rights are as important as anyone else's. It's fine to express what you want, so long as you are respectful toward the rights of others.
• Express your thoughts and feelings calmly. Giving the silent treatment, yelling, threatening and shaming are all great examples of what not to do. Take responsibility for your emotions and express them in a calm and factual manner. Try starting sentences with "I feel..."
• Plan what you're going to say. Know your wants and needs, and how you can express them, before entering a conversation. Come up with specific sentences and words you can use.
• Say "no" when you need to. You can't make everyone happy all the time. When you need to say "no," do so clearly, without lying about the reasons. Offer to help find another solution.

Examples of assertive communication

• “I’ve been feeling frustrated about doing most of the chores around the house. I understand that you’re busy, but I need help. How can we make this work?” (The speaker takes responsibility for their feelings without blaming, and clearly describes their needs.)
• “I won’t be able to take you to the airport on Friday.  I’ve had a long week, and I want to rest.” (The speaker respects their own needs and wants by clearly saying “no”.)
• “I’m having a hard time sleeping when your music is on. What if you use headphones, or I can help you move the speakers to another room.” (The speaker describes their needs, while also considering the needs and wants of the other person.)

Assertive communication practice

Practice your assertive communication skills. Before writing down your responses to each of the prompts, consider what your wants and needs might be in each situation.

1. Your partner: "I know you have plans for the weekend, but I really need you to watch the kids.  I have a friend coming to town, and we made plans.
2. Situation: You’ve just received your food at a restaurant, and it was prepared incorrectly. Your sandwich seems to have extra mayo, instead of no mayo.
3. Your friend: "Hey, can I borrow some money? I want to buy these shoes, but I left my wallet at home. I’ll pay you back soon, I swear. It won’t be like last time."
4. Situation: Your neighbor is adding an expansion to their house, and the crew starts working, very loudly, at 5 a.m. It has woken you up every day for a week.

(Note: This exercise was adapted from materials provided by TherapistAid.com)

Anger is an emotion that tends to be easy to see. However, anger is often just the tip of the iceberg. Other emotions may be hidden beneath the surface.

In some families, anger is seen as more acceptable than other emotions. A person might express anger in order to mask emotions that cause them to feel vulnerable, such as hurt or shame.

Anger triggers are people, places, situations and things that set off anger. Your triggers can provide clues about the emotions behind your anger. Anger may be fueled by different emotions at different times, or by a combination of emotions. Sometimes, however, anger is just anger.

Some emotions that may fuel anger include:

• Sadness
• Disappointment
• Loneliness
• Overwhelm
• Embarrassment
• Hurt
• Helplessness
• Pain
• Frustration
• Insecurity
• Hunger
• Grief
• Anxiety
• Stress
• Threat
• Tiredness
• Contempt
• Guilt
• Jealousy
• Scaredness
• Shame

(Note: This content was adapted from materials provided by TherapistAid.com)

Rewards and consequences are tools to help your child succeed emotionally and physically.

How to use rewards

• Set achievable goals. If your child doesn’t believe they can achieve their goal, they won’t try. A good rule of thumb is that your child should earn their reward about 75% of the time.
• Rewards must be desirable. Choose rewards your child actually wants. Whether they admit it or not, most children want the attention of their parents. Never underestimate the power of a smile or a hug. Sometimes these little rewards can be more powerful than anything else.
• Praise behaviors instead of traits. For example, if your child gets a good grade, praise their hard work instead of their intelligence. If your child believes they passed a test because of their intelligence, what does it mean when they fail a test? Also, praising a behavior such as hard work will lead to more hard work, but traits like intelligence are outside of your child’s control.
• Give rewards regularly and consistently. Instead of offering one big reward for a long-term accomplishment, try offering smaller rewards along the way. Children have a hard time waiting for distant rewards, making them less effective. Regular rewards keep children motivated.
• Catch your child being good. Is your hyper child sitting still? Let them know you notice! Try to catch your child being good—no matter how minor it seems—at least 3 times a day. The best way to end a bad behavior is to reward the opposite good behavior.
• Always follow through. If you promise a reward but don’t follow through, your child may not take you seriously next time. However, every time you do follow through, your promises gain credibility.
• Be clear about rewards and how to earn them. Specify what exactly rewards will be (rather than "extra TV", say "30 minutes of extra TV") and what your child needs to do to earn them (“hang up your clothes, put away toys, and vacuum the floor” rather than "clean your room").
• Don’t take away rewards that have already been earned. If your child earns a reward and then gets in trouble for something unrelated, let them keep the reward. You can use a consequence for the negative behavior, but it should not affect the reward. Taking away rewards can lead to a constant sense of defeat when the child works hard but never sees positive outcomes.
• Reward good habits instead of good outcomes. For example, reward your child if they study for an hour each night, instead of rewarding them for an “A” on a test. Even though it seems obvious to adults, many children don’t know how to get an “A” on a test. Use rewards to teach your child habits that will eventually lead to the ultimate goal.

How to use consequences

• Create a few simple and clearly defined rules and consequences. Children have a hard time understanding a long or complex list of rules, and there’s no chance for success if they don’t know what the rules are.
• Always follow through. The threat of a consequence will quickly become meaningless if the consequences never actually happen. It’s tempting to feel sympathetic and let your kid off the hook, but this will lead to more problems down the road.
• Don’t overdo it. Many parents have a habit of dishing out extreme consequences when they’re upset. When punishments are too extreme, parents often let their children off the hook once they have cooled down, or when the punishment becomes too inconvenient for the parent (e.g. having to monitor the child all day). This tells your child that the consequences are not serious.
• It’s okay to be flexible. You want your child to do the dishes, but they’re in the middle of a video game. Instead of telling them to do the dishes “right now”, give them a reasonable timeframe. Trythis: “I need you to finish doing the dishes within the next hour”. How would you feel if you were watching your favorite show, and your partner demanded you do the laundry “right now”?
• Take away privileges. Removing TV or phone privileges can be very effective. However, avoid taking away things that are beneficial for your child. If your child calms down by playing guitar, or they strive for good grades so they can play on the basketball team, don’t take those away.
• Never use corporal punishment, shaming or humiliation. Children who receive corporal punishment—including spanking—learn that violence is an appropriate response to their problems. They tend to be more aggressive with other children, and they carry this into adulthood. Shaming and humiliating your child can irreparably damage your relationship and cause significant distress.
• Don’t give up your leverage. If you take away everything, there’s nothing left to take away. Don’t put your child in a position where they have nothing to lose.
• Sometimes it’s better to ignore bad behavior than to punish it. Children may purposefully use bad behavior to get attention. Even negative attention is better than no attention. If your child’s behavior isn’t dangerous or destructive, it’s okay to ignore them until they stop.
• Choose your battles. So, your child has picked the clothes up off the floor, and put them in the dresser, but the clothes aren’t folded neatly. Let it go! Ask yourself: “Is this problem really that important right now?”

(Note: This content was adapted from materials provided by TherapistAid.com)