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October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Domestic abuse can be defined as any pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner (United Nations, 2024). Domestic abuse is not limited to physical violence but can include emotional, psychological, sexual, economic, religious, and/or reproductive control. Domestic abuse has lasting impacts on the victim and others who observe violence in their homes. During Domestic Violence Awareness Month, it is critical that we raise awareness of the impact of violence on victims and future generations.
One of the most critical aspects of domestic abuse is breaking the cycle of violence across generations. Because we learn how to act and behave in romantic relationships from the people we observe in our lives, children growing up in homes with domestic abuse are at increased risk of repeating these cycles. Children who grow up in homes with domestic abuse (e.g., physical, emotional-psychological) are 3 to 4 times more likely to repeat the cycle of abuse in adulthood either as a victim or abuser. This means that growing up in a home with domestic abuse is the single greatest predictor of domestic abuse in adulthood.
As adults, it is important that we model or demonstrate healthy relationships with others so that children are observing relationships that they should want to emulate. One way we can promote healthy relationships is through the words we use to speak to others. We should strive to use words that empower and uplift rather than demean and break down. Emotionally abusive relationships lay a foundation of negative beliefs or lies about the self in the ways we think, leading to changes in the way our internal dialogue works.
Growing up in a home with abuse means internal dialogue focuses on negative ideas, such as being unlovable, worthless, and alone, rather than positive feelings, such as gratitude, lovability, trust and confidence. The words we hear around us become the voices and the words we tell ourselves. This means instead of yelling at a child to constantly stop or “NOT” do something, we instead suggest what they might do instead. For example, swapping out “STOP RUNNING!” for “Use your walking feet.” It is so important that we use words that enhance ourselves and our young people so that we can break cycles of abuse.
Simply switching a negative request for a positive alternative can be an easy way to change the script regarding emotions. During Domestic Violence Awareness Month, let’s try to focus on spreading a little gentleness and kindness so that the ways we speak to ourselves and others have a touch more compassion.
Pamela B. Payne, Ph.D., CFLE is an associate professor in Human Development & Family Science and , with an appointment in the Interdisciplinary Social Psychology doctoral program. Payne’s work focuses on building healthy relationships and educating those who work with families in a variety of settings.
